I love drumming! I think I’ve loved it my whole life. My first memory of drumming was as a very young child sitting on the kitchen floor with pots and pans turned upside down and a couple of wooden spoons. Oh, what awesome sounds I could make with those spoons! Thanks to my mom, I had regular sessions on that floor.  When I was in elementary school  I asked for a drum set for Christmas.  I can still remember that Christmas morning and the sight of the beautiful clear blue drum set – with the base drum on the bottom that I had to use a foot pedal because my hands were too busy drumming on the other two drums mounted on top of the base with a symbol in the middle. It even came with real drumsticks.  The drums are long gone, but I still have those drumsticks!

I always had a beat in my head, from sitting on the kitchen floor to playing my blue drum set. I would often times, just tap and pat out my beat using my hands.

I played with that drum set for many years, but as I got older things were piled on top of the drums, and my beat was buried along with it.  I would find it every now and then like when I played the saxophone in junior high through high school. It wasn’t quite the same, but I was still exposed to the beat of my music. Later I would satisfy my love of the beat in college when I was took a gamelean class, and played with a group wherever my travels took me from Seattle to Indonesia.  Many years later, at Unitarian Universalist women’s retreat there was a drumming circle. I had never experienced this before. What joy! What fun! It was like I had reawakened something inside of me that was buried so deep. I remember just dancing and dancing that night to the beat of the djembe. It was only me and maybe one or two other women dancing in front the large circle of women drummers.  I didn’t care if I was alone with in front of a whole group. The beat carried me and I danced for joy.

When I turned  40 I knew exactly how I wanted to celebrate it – with a drum circle! I arranged for a friend and  professional drum leader to bring all her equipment, and I was surrounded by the beat of family and friends as I welcomed a new decade of my life.

Soon after my birthday I attended by first  dream workshop, and loh and behold, there was drumming! I I already knew I was a dreamer, but with the steady beat of a single drum I could access dream realms I had never thought imaginable. As I continued to pursue my passion of dreaming and sharing it with others,  I bought my own frame drum. I now use it to meditate and lead others to help access their dream realms. 

 While I love drumming during workshops and classes, drumming alone to a single beat  does not allow for the musical expression and dynamic interplay that you get in a drum group. So I occasionally attend drum groups to express  that creative beat inside me.  

A few weeks ago I attended a drumming group. I haven’t been to one in quite some time.  I got there and was so very excited to see all the drums and percussion instruments (cow bells, rattles, sticks, things I couldn’t even name). I felt like a kid in a candy shop – so many awesome cool things to beat.  Just like the pots and pans of my youth.  I decided to start out with a djembe and its rich deep sound. The feel around my legs and the goat skin on my hands were amazing. Around and around my hands went as I rubbed the goat skin top preparing to drum and express my beat.

Once there were about 15 of us, we just started playing. Free for all.  As we played I felt myself settling in, finding my beat. Boom chaka laka, boom chaka laka.  You would think if you stick 15 people together with no direction chaos would ensure. But I’ve been to enough drum groups to know, the exact opposite happens. A group beat starts to form.  It seems as humans we tend to sync up with those around us….and sometimes, even begin to play together and with each other. Some even started to do “call and response” type drumming.  Cow bell (cling, cling, cling), base drum (boom, boom, boom), cow bell (cling, cling, cling), base drum (boom, boom, boom.  They looked at each other, allowed for space for each other, then followed the pattern, back and forth, back and forth. No words. Only looks. Only sounds. All playing together.

As the night went on I started to notice several things. If I relaxed and just let myself flow I found a steady beat that came from the inside out. But I also noticed that I would sometimes get distracted. I would hear another beat and within a few seconds I would be playing that beat.  I would match those around me and my own beat would blend in with that other beat. There were times I struggled to find my own beat. Sometimes a drum would be playing so loud I could not hear my own drum.  My own beat was drowned out and over powered by the other sounds.  As the night went on, and the instruments changed, beats came and went. I started to ponder “How do I learn to find my own beat when there are so many others going on around me? Once I have found it, how do I learn to maintain it amongst all the other, sometimes louder, beats among me?”

It felt like an analogy for life. How do we find ourselves? How do we maintain our identities among so many personalities and relationships?

During the drumming, it took consciousness and awareness on my part to realize when I had lost my beat and started following another.  Once I was aware, I’d gently bring myself back to my beat.  This happened several times.  Find my beat, get distracted, start to sync with another one that caught my attention, conscious of the change, then settling in, relaxing, returning to my own beat. 

And when the other drums were too loud and I couldn’t hear my own, I’d put my head as close to my drum as possible, slowly took some breaths, closed by eyes and concentrated on what wanted to come from me instead of concentrating on what was outside of me. With that I was able to bring myself back to my drum, my beat. This was not easy. The call of other beats was intense. It would have been so easy, to play “follow the leader”.  But I had a beat and it wanted to be played. It wanted to come out and with awareness, concentration and allowing it to flow I was able to relax in to my own beat.

This is what I realized that night. It’s easy to play alone, and sometime, like when I was young on my mom’s kitchen floor with pots and pans, it can be amazingly fun.  When we are alone, it’s easy to find our beat. But alone the complexities and richness that a group brings are absent. Groups allow us to try on different beats, ones we may not have thought of, but they also challenge us to remain true to our own beat when amongst so many others.  And when all those original beats come together, what amazing rhythm, music and creative expression there is. 

What an amazing gift drumming has been for me. I found my beat the other night at the drum circle and so much more.  I found the memory of my “original beat”.  I may just have to sit on the floor tonight with my wooden spoon surrounded by some pots and pans and play my beat once again.

I can’t find my signed copy of Dreamgates, by Robert Moss. I noticed it wasn’t on my book shelf about a month ago when I wanted to look up something. I have a vague memory of loaning it to someone, but I’m not even sure if that’s the case. I’ve sent e-mails to most people I would have trusted to borrow it. In fact, I’ve sent 3 emails to my sister, who gently reminded me today that the answer each time has been, and will continue to be, “no”.

I did move several months ago and it’s possible it was lost in the move. But this is most unlikely as I kept all my Robert Moss books together, and they were the very last thing I packed. I have them all on my book shelves. 8 of them are downstairs in my living room and 2 of them are on the book shelf in my bedroom – as are a few other books I’m currently reading or want quick access to. Dreamgates could be in either place, but it’s not. 1 book unaccounted for.

Over the past several weeks as I’ve searched for Dreamgates I’ve heard some voice saying “You’ve lost your Dreamgates.” But I know this is not true.  I feel more connected to my dreaming self than ever before. But that voice, those words, keep nagging me. “You’ve lost your dream gates.” I’ve rebelled against it. “NO I HAVE NOT!!! IT WILL TURN UP!” But even if it does, what does that mean?!?!? I let someone borrow my dream gate and when I needed it, and wanted it the most, it’s not there for me. I don’t have access to my own dream gate because I gave it away! Is that what that would mean? I don’t like any of these interpretations.  I even imagined myself buying another copy, handing it to Robert to sign, saying to him “I’ve lost my Dreamgates.” What would that mean?!?!?! I’m a dream teacher! I help others find their dream gates! How could I lose my own Dreamgates!?!?!? ! I haven’t bought another copy because I’ve felt like it would be buying into those words, that story.

Today as I received the 3rd reply from my sister about not having my Dreamgates, I heard a voice “I’ve lost my Dreamgates. What does that mean?” It felt so horrible. It felt so wrong. But that was the way this story was starting to begin. “Once upon a time, I lost my Dreamgates…..”  The story of me.  Story. Wait, it’s a story I keep hearing. It’s a STORY! If it’s a story, I get to choose how it is told! I am Dreaming Julie, nobody else but me! I get to choose what my Dreamgate story will be.

There’s been a lot going on in my life in the past 6 months. After 20 years of marriage I filed for divorce.  A few weeks later I found a house in the neighborhood I love and have lived in for the past 15 years. 6 weeks after seeing it, I bought the house and moved in. I’ve been redefining my life every since then. It hasn’t always been easy. Figuring out custody and working out conflicts with someone I realize I cannot be in relationship with after 25 years….well, it’s difficult to say the least. My car broke down three times a month after I moved in and was on my own. My clothes seem to be wearing out. 2 pairs of pants that I loved, wore through and developed holes in them (both discovered by my co-worker while at work!). The shoes I’ve known and loved to wear most days for the past 7 years are also sprouting holes.  It’s been hard to let these things go. I still have one pair of pants in the basement. I’m thinking about making rags out of it, just so I can keep some part of them! The shoes, I’m still not ready to give up yet. I’m going to make it through the winter. I don’t want to give them up either.  But the fact of the matter is, things that I’ve had around for a long time are wearing out. While the car has been repaired, the clothes, shoes and other items need to be replaced.  They’ve outlived their ability to protect my body, my feet, my soul. I need to replace these items I have used up. I’m meeting this with some resistance…even though I know it’s time for a change.

 As I put all this together in my head today, I realized that I haven’t lost my dream gates. That’s just one possible story – and it’s not mine. The universe is giving me an opportunity, like my cloths and my shoes, to let go of what doesn’t suit me anymore. The gates I used to enter have been entered. It is now time to find other gates, other dreams, other paths. Like my cloths, I don’t want to give up what is familiar, even though it may not suit me any longer. But the fact is, it is time for me to move on.  The dream gates, the old dreams I needed and followed several years ago are not the ones that will serve me now. Letting go is so hard. To relinquish things that served me so well in the past…sometimes it take life to step in, to split my pants, cause a hole in my shoes and not allow me to find my book for it to hit me. Even though I’ve been resistant I’m called to give up my former Dreamgates, my pants, my shoes, my marriage.

I’m looking forward to my new copy of Dreamgates and the dream gates I have yet to discover. I’m imagining myself now presenting my new copy to Robert and telling him this story. It’s my story of how, with the help of the universe, and in my search for Dreamgates I came to realize that there is a time for letting go and a time to discover the new. There’s a time when what we once knew as familiar, no longer serves us and we must move on.  I’m looking forward to whatever fresh message he will scribble in the front of this new book, one appropriate for dreaming Julie.  A Dreamgates full of adventure, one that I can grow with, one that will help me find the more authentic me. I look forward to what lies ahead with my new Dreamgates as I enter my new dream gates. I am dreaming Julie and this is MY story.