I did move several months ago and it’s possible it was lost in the move. But this is most unlikely as I kept all my Robert Moss books together, and they were the very last thing I packed. I have them all on my book shelves. 8 of them are downstairs in my living room and 2 of them are on the book shelf in my bedroom – as are a few other books I’m currently reading or want quick access to. Dreamgates could be in either place, but it’s not. 1 book unaccounted for.
Over the past several weeks as I’ve searched for Dreamgates I’ve heard some voice saying “You’ve lost your Dreamgates.” But I know this is not true. I feel more connected to my dreaming self than ever before. But that voice, those words, keep nagging me. “You’ve lost your dream gates.” I’ve rebelled against it. “NO I HAVE NOT!!! IT WILL TURN UP!” But even if it does, what does that mean?!?!? I let someone borrow my dream gate and when I needed it, and wanted it the most, it’s not there for me. I don’t have access to my own dream gate because I gave it away! Is that what that would mean? I don’t like any of these interpretations. I even imagined myself buying another copy, handing it to Robert to sign, saying to him “I’ve lost my Dreamgates.” What would that mean?!?!?! I’m a dream teacher! I help others find their dream gates! How could I lose my own Dreamgates!?!?!? ! I haven’t bought another copy because I’ve felt like it would be buying into those words, that story.
Today as I received the 3rd reply from my sister about not having my Dreamgates, I heard a voice “I’ve lost my Dreamgates. What does that mean?” It felt so horrible. It felt so wrong. But that was the way this story was starting to begin. “Once upon a time, I lost my Dreamgates…..” The story of me. Story. Wait, it’s a story I keep hearing. It’s a STORY! If it’s a story, I get to choose how it is told! I am Dreaming Julie, nobody else but me! I get to choose what my Dreamgate story will be.
There’s been a lot going on in my life in the past 6 months. After 20 years of marriage I filed for divorce. A few weeks later I found a house in the neighborhood I love and have lived in for the past 15 years. 6 weeks after seeing it, I bought the house and moved in. I’ve been redefining my life every since then. It hasn’t always been easy. Figuring out custody and working out conflicts with someone I realize I cannot be in relationship with after 25 years….well, it’s difficult to say the least. My car broke down three times a month after I moved in and was on my own. My clothes seem to be wearing out. 2 pairs of pants that I loved, wore through and developed holes in them (both discovered by my co-worker while at work!). The shoes I’ve known and loved to wear most days for the past 7 years are also sprouting holes. It’s been hard to let these things go. I still have one pair of pants in the basement. I’m thinking about making rags out of it, just so I can keep some part of them! The shoes, I’m still not ready to give up yet. I’m going to make it through the winter. I don’t want to give them up either. But the fact of the matter is, things that I’ve had around for a long time are wearing out. While the car has been repaired, the clothes, shoes and other items need to be replaced. They’ve outlived their ability to protect my body, my feet, my soul. I need to replace these items I have used up. I’m meeting this with some resistance…even though I know it’s time for a change.
As I put all this together in my head today, I realized that I haven’t lost my dream gates. That’s just one possible story – and it’s not mine. The universe is giving me an opportunity, like my cloths and my shoes, to let go of what doesn’t suit me anymore. The gates I used to enter have been entered. It is now time to find other gates, other dreams, other paths. Like my cloths, I don’t want to give up what is familiar, even though it may not suit me any longer. But the fact is, it is time for me to move on. The dream gates, the old dreams I needed and followed several years ago are not the ones that will serve me now. Letting go is so hard. To relinquish things that served me so well in the past…sometimes it take life to step in, to split my pants, cause a hole in my shoes and not allow me to find my book for it to hit me. Even though I’ve been resistant I’m called to give up my former Dreamgates, my pants, my shoes, my marriage.
I’m looking forward to my new copy of Dreamgates and the dream gates I have yet to discover. I’m imagining myself now presenting my new copy to Robert and telling him this story. It’s my story of how, with the help of the universe, and in my search for Dreamgates I came to realize that there is a time for letting go and a time to discover the new. There’s a time when what we once knew as familiar, no longer serves us and we must move on. I’m looking forward to whatever fresh message he will scribble in the front of this new book, one appropriate for dreaming Julie. A Dreamgates full of adventure, one that I can grow with, one that will help me find the more authentic me. I look forward to what lies ahead with my new Dreamgates as I enter my new dream gates. I am dreaming Julie and this is MY story.