I can’t find my signed copy of Dreamgates, by Robert Moss. I noticed it wasn’t on my book shelf about a month ago when I wanted to look up something. I have a vague memory of loaning it to someone, but I’m not even sure if that’s the case. I’ve sent e-mails to most people I would have trusted to borrow it. In fact, I’ve sent 3 emails to my sister, who gently reminded me today that the answer each time has been, and will continue to be, “no”.

I did move several months ago and it’s possible it was lost in the move. But this is most unlikely as I kept all my Robert Moss books together, and they were the very last thing I packed. I have them all on my book shelves. 8 of them are downstairs in my living room and 2 of them are on the book shelf in my bedroom – as are a few other books I’m currently reading or want quick access to. Dreamgates could be in either place, but it’s not. 1 book unaccounted for.

Over the past several weeks as I’ve searched for Dreamgates I’ve heard some voice saying “You’ve lost your Dreamgates.” But I know this is not true.  I feel more connected to my dreaming self than ever before. But that voice, those words, keep nagging me. “You’ve lost your dream gates.” I’ve rebelled against it. “NO I HAVE NOT!!! IT WILL TURN UP!” But even if it does, what does that mean?!?!? I let someone borrow my dream gate and when I needed it, and wanted it the most, it’s not there for me. I don’t have access to my own dream gate because I gave it away! Is that what that would mean? I don’t like any of these interpretations.  I even imagined myself buying another copy, handing it to Robert to sign, saying to him “I’ve lost my Dreamgates.” What would that mean?!?!?! I’m a dream teacher! I help others find their dream gates! How could I lose my own Dreamgates!?!?!? ! I haven’t bought another copy because I’ve felt like it would be buying into those words, that story.

Today as I received the 3rd reply from my sister about not having my Dreamgates, I heard a voice “I’ve lost my Dreamgates. What does that mean?” It felt so horrible. It felt so wrong. But that was the way this story was starting to begin. “Once upon a time, I lost my Dreamgates…..”  The story of me.  Story. Wait, it’s a story I keep hearing. It’s a STORY! If it’s a story, I get to choose how it is told! I am Dreaming Julie, nobody else but me! I get to choose what my Dreamgate story will be.

There’s been a lot going on in my life in the past 6 months. After 20 years of marriage I filed for divorce.  A few weeks later I found a house in the neighborhood I love and have lived in for the past 15 years. 6 weeks after seeing it, I bought the house and moved in. I’ve been redefining my life every since then. It hasn’t always been easy. Figuring out custody and working out conflicts with someone I realize I cannot be in relationship with after 25 years….well, it’s difficult to say the least. My car broke down three times a month after I moved in and was on my own. My clothes seem to be wearing out. 2 pairs of pants that I loved, wore through and developed holes in them (both discovered by my co-worker while at work!). The shoes I’ve known and loved to wear most days for the past 7 years are also sprouting holes.  It’s been hard to let these things go. I still have one pair of pants in the basement. I’m thinking about making rags out of it, just so I can keep some part of them! The shoes, I’m still not ready to give up yet. I’m going to make it through the winter. I don’t want to give them up either.  But the fact of the matter is, things that I’ve had around for a long time are wearing out. While the car has been repaired, the clothes, shoes and other items need to be replaced.  They’ve outlived their ability to protect my body, my feet, my soul. I need to replace these items I have used up. I’m meeting this with some resistance…even though I know it’s time for a change.

 As I put all this together in my head today, I realized that I haven’t lost my dream gates. That’s just one possible story – and it’s not mine. The universe is giving me an opportunity, like my cloths and my shoes, to let go of what doesn’t suit me anymore. The gates I used to enter have been entered. It is now time to find other gates, other dreams, other paths. Like my cloths, I don’t want to give up what is familiar, even though it may not suit me any longer. But the fact is, it is time for me to move on.  The dream gates, the old dreams I needed and followed several years ago are not the ones that will serve me now. Letting go is so hard. To relinquish things that served me so well in the past…sometimes it take life to step in, to split my pants, cause a hole in my shoes and not allow me to find my book for it to hit me. Even though I’ve been resistant I’m called to give up my former Dreamgates, my pants, my shoes, my marriage.

I’m looking forward to my new copy of Dreamgates and the dream gates I have yet to discover. I’m imagining myself now presenting my new copy to Robert and telling him this story. It’s my story of how, with the help of the universe, and in my search for Dreamgates I came to realize that there is a time for letting go and a time to discover the new. There’s a time when what we once knew as familiar, no longer serves us and we must move on.  I’m looking forward to whatever fresh message he will scribble in the front of this new book, one appropriate for dreaming Julie.  A Dreamgates full of adventure, one that I can grow with, one that will help me find the more authentic me. I look forward to what lies ahead with my new Dreamgates as I enter my new dream gates. I am dreaming Julie and this is MY story.

I was at three coney island restaurants in three hours tonight. None of this was planned. It's just how things played out. At 4:44pm a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to join her, and a friend, at 5pm for dinner at the first place. I really wanted to go see a movie, but no one had taken me up on the option. So I decided to meet her. As I was sitting having dinner another friend called and we set up a date to see The Life Of Pie. Neither of us really wanted to see it in 3D so we planned on the 7:15pm movie across town, however she hadn't eaten yet. I left one coney island, picked my other friend up and headed across town to the movie theater. The fastest and closest place next to the theater was a coney island. She got a burger, I got a piece of pecan pie. I rarely have pie, but when I do, pecan is one of my favorite and so when I see someone has it, I often get it.
The waitress brings out my pie. It was bubbling, and she comments "It may be a little hot. I think I put it in for too long." Yes, she did. In fact, it ended up caramelizing to the point of being burnt. I had a few bites and did not eat anymore. I explained this to the waitress and she took it off our bill. My friend picked up my coffee on her tab.
We then went across the street to the theater. We got a great parking space in a very packed parking lot. We walked in, "I'd like a ticket for the Life Of Pi." "Sorry we are sold out." I can't even remember the last time I have heard this. Are movies even sold out anymore? It's not like this was opening night. This movie has been out for quite sometime. But there is was. Pi was sold out - the 2D playing of Pi.  We checked my friends smart phone and found that the next playing of Pi was across town, in 3D at 8:40pm. Neither of us really wanted to see it in 3D, but we did wanted to see it, so we headed across town.
As we approached the theater, we realized we had about 40 minutes until the movie started. My friend suggested we go somewhere to get dessert since she hadn't had any, and neither had I. As we approached the theater, she noticed a coney island. Sure enough, we pulled in.
My friend, who can't have dairy, is very limited in the kinds of desserts she can have. So pie was one of the only desserts available to her. She asked for the apple pie. The waitress left and came back "I'm sorry, we're all out of apply pie." My friend settled on the cherry pie. A few minutes later, the waitress shows up and sets on the table a piece of apply pie. We looked at each other confused. The waitress says "This pie is free. I found it way in the back and it's all kind of mangled up, so you can just have it for free." We both look down at the pie. It looks in perfect condition. It looks like any other normal slice of apple pie. My friend later comments "I can't get my slices of pie to turn out this good!" The waitress tells us she has put everything on one check - I now get to pick up my friend's coffee, as her pie is free at this place.
We head over to the theater. Get there on time. Get another great parking space. Purchase our tickets, $3 more than a normal movie because it is in 3D. We settle in, and as we are preparing for our movie, it starts to dawn on us that we have just both had pie at two different places and it was free at both - now we are sitting in a movie called The Life of Pi!  And we realize it was a Pi/Pie night.
-----But there's even more---- (WARNING SPOILERS TO THE MOVIE)
As I wrote in my journal after the movie about this experience, and the movie, I realize the whole pie/Pi similarity.
The Life of Pi takes us through a life journey of a young boy named Pi. It is the story of how he was on a ship that sank and at first, he was on a life boat with a zebra, orangutang, jackal, and tiger. The jackal ends up killing the zebra and later the orangutang. Then the tiger kills the jackal. So the only survivors on the boat are Pi and the tiger. The majority of the movie takes us through this story of survival and the relationship between Pi and the tiger. It's quite a breath taking movie and also very nerve racking at some points.
Near the end of the movie, the boy is being interviewed by the company of the ship that sank. He told them the story (the one we saw played out on the screen). But they are not satisfied with this. So he tells another story. Instead of it being the zebra, orangutang, jackal and tiger that are on the life boat, it is a buddhist, his mother, the cook and himself. It's not a pretty story, but more believable to the shipping company, and maybe even to the audience.
We are left to wonder, which story was true. The one we say played out on the screen, or the one described and probably more realistic. In the end, we are left wanting to believe in the one we saw played out. It's a story of hope.
BACK TO THE PIE
My friend asked for apple pie. Apple pie sometimes symbolizes freedom and truth in our country. She asks for a slice of apple pie. She is then told there is no apple pie, so she settled for cherry. Not what she wanted or asked for, but it's what they have. Next thing that turns up is apple pie. Apple, cherry, apple.
In the movie we are given a "slice of Pi" in the story of the tiger, but then told a story about people on the boat. But we want to believe, and Pi believes, in the tiger story. Tiger, people, tiger.
The cherry pie never had any substance. It was just a concept we were given as an alternative to the apple. It was all just a tale that we never really wanted. The tiger (apple pie) story had more substance. Something to believe in. It's a story we want to hear. It's a piece of pie we want to have. Moreover, the apple pie, in the waitresses view was "mangled". Just as the story of the tiger was "unbelievable". But not to my friend and I. We thought the pie looked perfect. And the story of the tiger was perfect. It's all in how you see it. It's all in what your perspective is. The waitresses perspective was that the pie was mangled. The shipping company's perspective was that the story was unbelievable/mangled. So much so they asked for another story. But then we are left with a story about people that is unsettling, unnerving and leaves you feeling empty - just like the cherry pie would have left us feeling. It's not what my friend wanted. It's what she would have had to settle for because. The apple pie, the story of the tiger, leaves us feeling full and fulfilled. Pi does not want cherry pie...and neither do we.
At 4:44pm as I stood in my kitchen with no plans and I made that first phone call, I had no idea I'd be at 3 coney islands within a 3 hour time span. I had no idea I would have so much pie in my life that night. But I love how it all played out. And I love the way the universe puts these experiences out there for us, just waiting for us to wake up and see them.